Mother's Day
Everyone in a position to know mentioned that Mother's Day was going to be a hard one this year. Jeff asked me before hand how I was planning to handle it and I had to ask, "Handle what?" I thought that was the best answer I could give; there just wasn't anything to handle.
So the day came and it was bad but not in a way that was specific or purposeful. I didn't hide in bed and cry and think about Mom all day. It wasn't that real, but it was something. My bleak, passive mood fit the cold, gray, rainy day perfectly. I didn't want to do anything and having to sit through 15 minutes of idle chatter with a friend who stopped over that afternoon was pure torture. I just wanted to be left alone so I could brood and be morose and sullen.
The days have been passing that way for me. They seem to be going along fine and then the reality of the thing hits and I lose my breath and have to talk myself through it. I have her picture on my desk at work and of course scattered here and there at home and I just need to look at it and it makes it more real because I find myself in an utter state of disbelief still.
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A year and four days ago, someone I knew was killed in a train crash in the suburbs of London. While I realise that there's no drawing a parallel between friend and loved one, let alone the very person that gave rise to you, I do understand how hard it can be to fathom the sudden absence of a person that you're so used to having around, being able to call, to hold, whenever you need to, and whenever they need you. I try to imagine a reality in which the circumstances have changed, in which all the right people are present and correct, but when I come to, all I feel is disappointment. Because I can't change anything. I wish that I had had the chance to say goodbye.
Now I'm glad I didn't make a side trip to Bashert Sunday afternoon to torture you with any more idle chatter. I was thinking of you as I made the drive up I-84 and wondered how you were coping with Mother's Day. I was sorely tempted to take a break from the monotonous, rainy drive but I was also driven by the fact I wanted to be home by 8pm to watch the Survivor finale, so you know my priorities are still sufficiently screwed up.
PS: Very happy to see you back online!
BEAU,
I WISH WE COULD HUG!!!!!!!!!! IT WAS THE SAME FOR ME. I HAVE NEVER LIKED MOTHERS DAY..SINCE MY MOM PASSED AWAY 27 YEARS AGO AT 55. SO YOUNG!
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
I ALSO SHED MANY TEARS THAT DAY. I WANTED SO TO CALL MY DEAR FRIEND. JUST TO HEAR HER VOICE ONCE AGAIN. YOR CALL MADE MY DAY. AS LONG AS I HAVE YOU AND THE BOYS(THE GIRLS) TOO...I WILL ALWAYS HAVE HER CLOSER. I LOVE YOU.
Just wanted to say, I just started reading your entries...and am enjoying them. It's nice to know of others that go through the same sort of garbage I go through at times.
I'm sorry about the loss of your mother...mine is still here with me, and I cherish her every day.
Beau,
It's ok to be brooding and morose...occassionally.
But don't let it take over a whole day! Even a rainy one!! There are a finite number of days in a life. You can take some time off for self indugence now and again...but don't make a habit of it. You have far too much other fun stuff to do!
The best rememberance isn't to cry, but to laugh and think of all the fun you had! And to take those fun experiences and pass them on to others.
Introduce other people to the concepts that make you smile.
That's what life is all about!
I was thinking of you guys that day. I really miss my mom too, which makes Mothers Day a blue day for me as well. I have that picture of Amber right next to my front door. Her vibrant smile reminds me of the "No bawl bags" rule and I have to smile too. I miss her!! Love to you and your brothers!! Hi Barb!