Turning towards the sun

Foregoing the garden and concentrating on our annual flower beds and the porch, my new favorite plant this year which I'm giving as giftage is the heliotrope (heliotropium arborescens) which means either 'shunning the sun' or 'turning towards the sun' or maybe both. I like a good Gemini enigma since I'm the posterchild for fence-sitting. Once fantastically popular with the Victorians (not necessarily a selling point for me), the heliotrope is most noted not only for its smallish, vibrant purple flowers but for it's enormous fragrance which is described as vanilla-ish. Because of the smell, it's also been called the Cherry Pie plant which is ridiculous but I'm just passing it along. As with all flowers, there are several Greek myths associated with the heliotrope having to do with unrequited love lost on either Apollo and/or Helios. Anytime those crazy Greek bitch's love went unrecognized, they wasted away from the sorrow until there was nothing left but a pile of poo, I imagine, which the God's took pity on (except Apollo and Helios whose callous disregard for their feelings in the first place) and turned them into a beautiful, fresh smelling flower. How this is an object lesson for the next whacked out God-stalker is beyond me, but then again, Aphrodite sprang from Uranus' amputated smelly left nut so who am I to quibble.

The heliotrope since it came from Peru way back when has been known as the "Herb of Love" and "God's herb" which nowadays would probably be known as "God's Kind Bud" if someone figured out how to dry it and smoke it. Knowing its legend, smoking it would probably make you fall down and waste away along a lazy river waiting for Apollo to change his mind and come back for some canoodling. In the mean time, you can make a heliotrope amulet from the flowers picked in August, wrapped in a bay leaf with the tooth of a wolf to help keep assholes from saying mean, disparaging things about you, whether deserved or not. Along the lines of smoking it, had you been robbed, this amulet can also give you a visionary look-see into who the dastardly bastard was and where your cheddar got pawned off to. And for those religious folk out there (my favorite minister, Major Wang) wanting to finally have a one-up on their wayward, libidinous flock, bringing the amulet into a house of Worship will prevent any woman who's had a little slap and tickle with a married man from leaving until it's removed. Hmmm...a church basement full of trapped, adulterating hussies; sounds like a fun Friday night to me but what do I know, I'm in bed on Friday's by 10pm.

In the mean time, I took a zillion pics of myself on the porch this afternoon just so I can remember what I looked like when I was 32 and GodDAMN but I look like Harvey Two-Face Dent from the Batman comics. I swear the left side of my face is drawing down into some chip-on-the shoulder, mean, asshole while the other side still seems to have some optimistic light shining through. I'm a Gemini through and through, I guess.