Fe, Fi, Faux, Fum

I'm a firm, die-hard believer in the cliché that the easiest way to change a room around is to repaint it. I am living proof of this particular assertion because Jeff and I have repainted our bedroom now three times in the three years of owning our home. The first time was to tear down some horrible blue-delft-ish wall paper thoughtless left by the previous owners which we stripped, swearing to God and all applicable deities that we'd both be buried and rotting before we even considered wall paper as a interior decorating option. Of course the carpet was blue and we were pretty limited in our color palette so we painted the walls a medium bluish color and the already-painted trim white. Well, it was like sleeping in a Prozac haze...it was so damn HAPPY and BLUE. I hated it immediately and started picking away at Jeff and his annoying resolve to change it over to something more appropriate to my growing morose, complex thinking-feeling cycle. Either I'm a pro or just too fucking annoying after awhile because Jeff finally consented to my next hair-brained scheme: darken the walls to a dusk blue and paint the trim chocolate brown to imitate that nature wood look. In all fairness, I'd actually suggested either stripping and staining the existing trim or putting up new but in any relationship there is compromise and Jeff made it clear that there was no shittin' way he was stripping anything at any time so we settled on toning the trim down with dark brown and leaving it at that. Jeff's beef with my design sense is that I always want to go darker in a room (which is true) and for Jeff, anything beyond beige is a real challenge for him so I have to continually remind myself that any room that isn't beige or lighter is a win for me.

So the bedroom was lovely for a year in a rich deep-ocean blue and we had pleasing Lorenco prints on the wall to compliment our developing tastes. Then I became bored again and issued the command: it was time to toss out the gross bedroom carpet and get something new which of course opened all kinds of questions regarding color. We decided to move away from blue and while I was whole-heartedly negotiating and advocating for a more modern, sophisticated palette in mushroom and moss with stained trim (because I can beat a dead horse just about better than anyone I know), Jeff was whole-heartedly negotiating and advocating for beige, beige, beige which then evolved into some horrible orangey-beige which I’ve come to know as the color puce. I was obviously not being heard loud enough and over the course of several weeks, the growing pile of paint chips from Lowe’s could be easily separated into the brownish-greens or the imminently-dying skin tone colors of yellow and beige. Every time I thought I had him tricked into one of my paint chips, he’s end up “losing it” only to find one of his he really liked. It was obvious there was no middle ground and so, quite reasonably, instead of canceling the bedroom project, we just ignored the wall-color situation and ordered the carpet. We could both agree on a mottled brown carpet because in the back of both our minds, it was going to match whichever color group won out in the final decision. We’re just that ding-dang stupid sometimes.

Fast forward a few weeks and I’ve been so worn down over the color of the bedroom, I throw some cockamamie suggestion about faux-finishing one whole wall in the bedroom to offset the bleak, boring beige color I might agree too and Jeff goes for it. I’ve never faux’ed anything in my LIFE but we buy a book and find a style we like and actually agree on the colors (though in my mind, I’m changing the colors several shades darker) and then it’s today and we’re painting. The faux’ed wall now looks like the simmering, foggy dusk of Armageddon, all blazing reddish-oranges and yellows and it actually works well with the darkish, beige walls of the bedroom, otherwise know as The Great Compromise of 2004. Of course as soon as we were done, I knew that, should we ever sell the house, the new buyers will come up and see the bedroom and think we have the worst taste in decorating and color-sense in the history of Homo-dom but I’m actually OK with that; the rite of passage for any new home owner is to bad-mouth the previous owner’s and their amazing lack of taste.

The new deal after the carpet arrives in June is that we’re now officially done with the bedroom for years and years. I believe Jeff tried to get me to agree to 2010 which of course is ridiculous but I find that it’s better just to not mentioning my bubbling cauldron of home decorating plans for a while and then surprise him when he least expects it. I’m just saying, I can love my art as much as the next guy but I’m the FIRST one to get really tired of it and faux-finished walls is about as timeless as parachute pants and sequined gloves as far as I’m concerned.