The Beauster National Convention
As I’ve procrastinated the summer away and fell short in the creativity department, there have been no invitations to my own national convention where I’m going to re-nominate myself for four more years of me, me, me.
As part of my own national convention, I’ve taken the week off of work to stay well away from NYC, the RNC, and all those other pesky letters. I was also boycotting NBC and the Olympics but they’ve timed themselves to finish just as my week was beginning so I can go back to just not watching TV rather than making a non-political political statement in saying I’m boycotting them.
Worst Job EVER Award: Whoever those poor, Greek schmucks were who had to ‘plant’ over 100,000 stalks of wheat in that “Follow The Yellow Brick Road” spiral at the closing ceremonies last night, only to have them mowed down in the space of about one minute. I mean, were they high? It must symbolize all those weird throwing sports where you know the athlete has been practicing all day, every day, for the last four years only to get up and have about five seconds of Olympic glory as he throws something…and then it’s over. Four years of practicing for that? 100-man hours to plant wheat that’s going to be trampled in ten seconds? WTF? But I’m boycotting the whole thing so what do I know?
The real reason I took off this week, besides trying to avoid being dead center in a terrorist attack, is that I have a mondo marketing audit paper due next week. And I’m a procrastinator, remember? I love how I’ve called up every marketing person I know to really, loudly bitch and moan about how miserable and torturous my marketing class is this term. I try to insert, without judgment or malice regarding their chosen profession, my complete disdain for marketing, reiterating my general belief over and over that marketing is total bullshit only to have them agree with me.
As I’m off work and home alone for most of the day this week, my current dress consists of new cotton boxer shorts from WalMart® in a size, according to the packet, four sizes bigger than what I wear in a comfortable jean but which, if they were any smaller, would compete for that leather jock Jeff bought me for my 26th birthday back when I had a 28-inch waist. Of course the fly is permanently open and my dick keeps flopping out but as it’s just me, I’m feeling OK about it, even though I'll end up sewing them closed eventually. I did manage to actually shower today as a way of trying not to be the schlub I’m going to end up being by late Wednesday afternoon, however the 100% humidity we’re currently toiling under has made my attempted personal hygiene inconsequential at best. Even the kitties are getting skittish around me, unsure as to what I’m doing home, why I have a moist, flustered appearance, or why I’m interrupting their afternoon naps, especially Tink who, unbeknownst to us, sleeps the afternoon away on top of the TV cabinet behind the center speaker, in the 8-inch space between the top of the cabinet and the ceiling. To say she was un-amused at my rousting attempts with the jingle stick, trying to coax her to come down and play would be…rather understated.
The benefit to having some extra time this week is that my unjustified, unapproved spree through my Amazon wishlist last week netted me a cadre of good reading, which I’ve decided I’m doing, regardless of how much marketing text I have yet to read or audit left to write. In the space of a day, I’d devoured and extremely enjoyed Alice Hoffman’s new endeavor, Blackbird House, which rivals her other favorites of mine, Practical Magic, and The Probable Future. Next up is Life of Pi, and then onto The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, followed by The Lives of Shadows, and City of Saints & Madmen, which came as a referral when I was looking for a new tome by Mark Danielewski who wrote House of Leaves some years back but who hasn’t written shit since, unfortunately.
So come to my convention this week. I’ll cook awesome, Americanized Indian fare for you, culled from the September issue of MS Living and ply you with cheap, carbonated apple cider-flavored soda (WalMart® special along with the cotton boxers) while we try to question buying the new Bjork album simply because her hair looks like a jellyfish and she’s spilling boobage out over her corset.
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