Being Better in 2005

My New Years resolution for the last five years has always been: Be Better. It’s a good catch all and like all good goals, it is achievable for me. Unlike good goals, it’s very hard to measure in any quantifiable way but as the years wrap up, I have a general sense of myself and whether or not I have, in fact, been better. I’d become anxious and dispassionate over previous year’s resolutions and one year tried the “no more resolutions” resolution which made the year seem pale and apathetic to myself. I read information about goal-setting and concluded I needed to set small, successful goals that are directly tied into me making them possible, not some external force (get a raise, etc…). And so I looked at myself and realized that most of the time, I felt that in a lot of situations, if not most, I could just be better; more engaging, more friendly, more helpful, more loving, less angry and sarcastic, more present. I could just be myself but be better.

This past year, it was not only about being better to others, which I think for the most part I accomplished, but also being better to me. I was put into a difficult, stressful situation at work having to take acting leadership for my office, a task that just happened to coincide with my starting graduate school, and for the first month I was miserable but then I started trying to be better to the people I worked with and worked for and I found that my goal of just keeping the office afloat until a new director could be brought in was within my power. I cut off that pessimistic, redundant inside voice of fear and impending failure (a hallmark of an INTP) and just did the task. At the end, when the new director started in October, I was relieved but I was also confident in myself that I’d managed to keep the office running for the previous 8 months and learn a great deal in the process. So I was being better to myself for not giving into those perfectionist rants of it not being perfect and that felt pretty good.

This year my being better extends back out to those around me. I did maintain and cultivate my friendships this year but there were a few people who I still didn’t feel I reached out too enough and I’d like to make that different. Jeff and I are celebrating our tenth anniversary this spring and I think that this past year, like so many years before, have just gotten better. We’ve shared a lot of common goals and plans for ourselves this past year and we continue to be better, more loving partners to one another because of it. But after ten years, sometimes the routine and the ingrained interplay can be difficult and so I want to be better and really take this year to be a better partner, more loving and less critical, more honest and sharing and less selfish.

For me, much of what has held be back from being a better person was the risk and fear involved. I’m not a social person and very much uneasy with how I see myself in a group, whether social or professional all the while wishing I could be better. I found a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt this year that says, “You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” so I’m going to use that as my stepping stone to being better. I’m going to take more risks and charge forth in things that I think I can’t do and I’m going to round myself out a bit, personally, professionally, creatively, socially, and intimately to just be better.

I wish for everyone in the New Year, health, happiness, and good fortune.