08.05.08

“Going home must be like going to render an account”

Posted in Home Life at 11:20 pm by Beau

– So says Joseph Conrad

The Reunion – My original plan for going back to where I was born and raised in Ohio was singular and purposeful: I’d finally gotten an invitation to my 20th high school reunion.  I never went to any of the other reunions because I never felt ready, for what it was worth.  I’m not sure what changed for this year other than twenty years.  I certainly wasn’t any more ready than any other time but something changed, something in my head that just said it was time.

I went to a very small school in the country, mostly with people that I’d started with in kindergarten and ended up graduating with.  My perception was that middle school and espeically high school was problematic and difficult.  I was shy, introverted, gangly, grappling with being gay even though I hadn’t put a name to it and it all came out at insecure awkwardness that made me ripe for the picking.  I had a few close friendships that developed but I never hit my stride in high school and never came into myself.  I actually didn’t do that until my early 30′s.  But I did hit that stride and have come to a restless peace with myself; I’ll always be shy and introverted and awkward and gangly but that’s ok and life goes on.  I’ve managed pretty well and ended up not so bad, not so alone, and not so damaged from what I thought of as horrific school experiences.  So going back to the reunion wasn’t at all about going back and giving a big “fuck you” to people, it was going back to re-engage with people I’d not seen in twenty years in most cases.  This was especially true with the small group of friends I spent most of my time with: Kris, Shelly, Julie, Graham, and Sean.

Graham was the only friend from school that I’ve had any contact with over the years and that was spotty at best but we re-connected before the reunion, him moving back to our home town and working on a gorgeous historical home these past few years.  For the others, it seemed like their lives just stopped to me while mine went on so I was anxious to get caught up with them…for the years to pour back in and fill up those holes for me.  And they were all there, waiting when Graham and I arrived (we were using each other as crutches, planning elaborate signals to escape the reunion should it turn out horrific, signals neither of us ended up using).  Sean was the only one who wasn’t there, rightfully choosing a family vacation over the reunion.  Everyone else was waiting at the door of the barn (only in the country) and it was as if the twenty years had melted away.  We spent the hours getting caught up in each other’s lives as you’re supposed to do at these kinds of things.  The three girls, all who had such plans that we used to laugh over during our years in high school had grown up.  All were married to good men and had children and careers and had settled.   They were happy and interested in what happened to me which I was happy to fill them in on.  Though honestly, saying you’re a health care consultant kinda lost its sheen when I actually said it out loud. 

And it went like that late into the evening.  There were lots of hugs and getting caught up with a ton of people I hardly spoke to in high school and all the awkwardness fell by the way side.  In a stunning turn of events, I kind of noticed there was a lot of touching on my, which was ironic since I was kind of the fag at school.  But at the reunion, none of that seemed to matter and so I got semi-molested which was perfect.

I think overall I’ve aged pretty well.  I had a couple of pudgy years threaded with some darkness and unhappiness, but lately, I’ve grown into the man I’ve wanted to be and I’ve gained some confidence in that so walking into the reunion was good.  I’m hoping now the list that went around helps keep me in contact with some of the people I ran around with back in school.  Most are still local to the area, me being the one furthest away.  But it gives me one more thing to return to Ohio for which was the theme of the whole time back there: things to come back for and I can say any trip that adds several things to that list is nothing short of a great trip.

The Grandmother – Coincidentally, my grandmother whom everyone calls Mimi fell ill and was hospitalized right before my trip back to Ohio.  I lived with my grandmother back in the late 80′s after being away at college for my first year.  My grandfather had fallen ill with cancer and school wasn’t working out for me so I moved back to their farm and cared for my grandfather as he died.  It kicked off my nursing career and I ended up living with Mimi for the next four years while I finished college locally.  I was always particularly close with her, she lovingly called me Bo-Peep, and the highlight of growing up was getting to spend nights with her and my grandfather at their farm, just down the road from our house.  Moving away after college and moving away from her was one of the hardest things I’ve done and staying away has been equally difficult.  Our lives have always been so wrapped up in family that being away when most everyone else has stayed put has been a struggle for me.  To this day, Mimi always asks me when I’m going to grow out of my “New York Phase” and come home.  But I know where my home is, certainly, though there is always a pull of guilt when she asks.

So the trip back to Ohio was bittersweet as I saw Mimi fighting a declining illness, one that will probably not allow her to live alone again and will significantly impact her day to day life.  She’s always been the matriarch to the family, a strong farmers wife, practical and thrifty, joyous in the new babies coming into the family and has never missed a wedding.  It’s hard to watch someone who has never been sick decline so rapidly and be forced to take the bitter medicine of watching a body betray them while their mind is still fresh and agile.  There really aren’t words that make any of it better but to be able to sit at her bedside and just hold her hand and be there made me feel better and I think it helped her, too.

The Meeting – I finally got to meet the man.  We’d been commenting and chatting and emailing for a while now and because he was too conveniently close to my hometown, I couldn’t not meet him.  As has held true for all my face-to-face blog meetings with the likes of him, him, him, him, and a slew of others, he was as real in person as his blog portrays.  Sometimes you can’t be sure but I wasn’t disappointed.  He arranged a whole blogger day of beauty at his regular salon in Dayton and we spent a few hours chatting and getting to know one another over pedicures and hair cuts.  I left my camera in the car because he likes his anonymity but I can attest that, contrary to all his self-depreciation, the man is hot and a total catch.  Ohio men need to be alerted.  We traded gifts before we parted ways: he hooked me up with “Peace Like a River” which has gorgeous prose and I’m loving as well as the first season of “Dexter” which I can’t wait to start.  I sent him on his way with my favorite book, “The Virgin Suicides” which I hope he finds equally as fetching.

And that was the trip back to Ohio.  Of course I went and visited my mother’s grave at the family cemetary.  I’m not one for that kind of thing and chose to think of my mother not in the last months of her life nor as someone in their grave, but it’s a connection to the person and I’ll be buried beside her one day so it’s always a good reality check to make sure things are on course when you can look down and know this is where you’ll end up one day, regardless.

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